To The Newcomer
What Works for Us
Those of us who are recovering in Sexaholics Anonymous
were driven here by many different forms of the
same problem. Some of us fit society’s stereotypes
of what a sexaholic might be and some of us did
not. Some of us were driven to buy or sell sex
on the streets, others to have it anonymously
in bars or public places. Some of us found ourselves
in painful and destructive affairs or consumed
by an unhealthy obsession with a particular person
or succession of persons. Many of us kept our
obsessions to ourselves, resorting to compulsive
masturbation, pictures, fetishes, voyeurism, or
exhibitionism. Some of us victimized others, and
with many of us, our compulsions took a toll on
family, coworkers, and friends. Very often, we
felt that we were the only ones who could not
stop, that we were doing this—whatever it
was—against our will.
When we came to SA, we found that in spite of
our differences, we shared a common problem—the
obsession of lust, usually combined with a compulsive
demand for sex in some form. We identified with
one another on the inside. Whatever the details
of our problem, we were dying spiritually—dying
of guilt, fear and loneliness. As we came to see
that we shared a common problem, we also came
to see that for us, there is a common solution—the
Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship
and on a foundation of what we call sexual sobriety.
Our definition of sobriety represents, for us,
the basic and necessary condition for lasting
freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We
have found that nothing else works. When we have
tried to deny what our common experiences has
taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes
us. And this seems to be true whether we are male
or female; married or single; whether our acting
out was with the same or opposite sex; whether
our relationships were “committed,”
“meaningful,” or one-night stands;
or whether we just resorted to a little sex with
self as a “physical outlet.” As the
men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous learned
over fifty years ago, “half-measures availed
us nothing”!
We don’t claim to understand all the ramifications
of sexual sobriety. Some of us have come to believe
that there is deeper spiritual significance in
sexual sobriety, while others simply report that
without a firm and clear bottom line, our “cunning,
baffling, and powerful” sexaholism takes
over sooner or later. Nor do we claim that sobriety
alone will lead to a lasting and joyous recovery.
Like alcoholics, we can be “dry” without
being sober in a deeper sense. We don’t
even claim that sexual sobriety will make one
feel better immediately. We, like other addicts,
can go through withdrawal symptoms when we give
up our “drug”. Nonetheless, in spite
of the questions, struggles, and confusion that
we have gone through, we find that sexual sobriety
is truly “the key to a happy and joyous
freedom we could otherwise never know.”
That’s why we keep coming back to SA.
We have a solution. We don’t claim that
it’s for everybody, but of us, it works.
If you identify with us and think you may share
our problem, we’d like to share our solution
with you.
A Caution
We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous
not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family
member who does not already know of it, without
careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety,
and even then, only after prior discussion with
an SA sponsor or group. Typically, when we come
into the program, we want to share our excitement
with those closest to us and tell all right away.
Such disclosures might injure our family or others
and should be confined to the group of which we
are a part until a wise course is indicated. Of
course, if there is any chance we have put others
in danger, we take immediate steps to try to correct
that.
Few things can so damage the possibility of healing
in the family as a premature confession to spouse
or family where sacred bonds and trust have been
violated. Unwittingly, such confessions can be
attempts on our part to dump our guilt, get back
into good graces, or make just another show of
willpower. Great caution is advised here.
What is a Sexaholic and What is Sexual
Sobriety?
We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized
nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood
in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic
has taken himself or herself out of the whole
context of what is right or wrong. He or she has
lost control, no longer has the power of choice,
and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction.
Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who
can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking
altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it
is with the sexaholic or sex drunk, who can no
longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with
one’s self or with partners other than the
spouse is progressively addictive and destructive.
We also see that lust is the driving force behind
our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes
progressive victory over lust. These conclusions
were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences
and recovery; we have no other options. But we
have found that acceptance of these facts is the
key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise
never know.
This will and should discourage many inquirers
who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but
who simply want to control and enjoy it, much
as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy
drinking. Until we had been driven to the point
of despair, until we really wanted to stop but
could not, we did not give ourselves to this program
of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those
who know they have no other option but to stop,
and their own enlightened self-interest must tell
them this.
What is Sexaholics Anonymous?
Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and
women who share their experience, strength, and
hope with each other that they may solve their
common problem and help others to recover. The
only requirement for membership is a desire to
stop lusting and become sexually sober. There
are no dues or fees for SA membership; we are
self-supporting through our own contributions.
Sexaholics Anonymous is not allied with any sect,
denomination, politics, organization, or institution;
does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither
endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose
is to stay sexually sober and help other sexaholics
to achieve sobriety.
(Reprinted from pages 1 – 4 of the Book
Sexaholics Anonymous)
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